Some of my stupid friends are arguing over copying what each other wears.  "She got Supras a week after me, that's just to be annoying".  She full copies Mia's style.  She's wearing the same thing Mia used to wear, she just copies everyone.  And the teddy bear hoodies were my idea, it's just meant to be me who's obbsessed with Pete Wentz. 

Why can't people just fucking grow up.  I mean I don't know how you people can afford to buy so many clothes in the first place.  We wouldn't have this problem if we were in a third world country. 

Women are being stoned in Afg. and Iran every day for such simple things.  Type women being stoned in You Tube or Google and you will shed a tear whilst your friends fight over clothes where in another country a woman is probabloy being stoned for selling her body to pay for food for her children. 

This world is or can be so, so sad. 


Apart from that I myself am good.  I was seeing a guy and we were starting to quite like each other.  So then I don't hear from him for like two weeks and I call him after Christmas and I finally get through.  I invite him to my new years dinner and after-party and he says I'll get back to you on that, but right now I've got to go.. I'm in the middle of something.  I get a msg the next day saying sorry I can't make it, I'm spending New Years with Amber.  So of course I'm like well who the fuck is Amber, are you still into us?

I'm so sorry Taylor, I didn't plan it, but Amber and me have been seeing each other for a little while now.  And I really really liked this guy.  I felt he was genuine and I wanted to be with him and I trusted him. 

Anyway, fuck him.  What are my problems compared to the poor people who are getting killed with stones overseas.  I really want to stop it!


I wish I was god.



Luv Taylor
xoxoxoxoxo

I've made it through my last year of school.  Thank fucking Christ...

I'm really good at the moment.  I have a job at a local supermarket.  I'm applying for different courses at universities in my area.  It's all go at the moment. 

I just broke up with my dickhead boyfriend a few weeks ago.  He was way more trouble than he was worth!!  Now I have my sights set on someone else.  We've seen each other a few times and it seems to be heading in a good direction.  He really likes me and I really like him. 

I also made the biggest decision in my life to break up my friendship with my ex-best friend.  I can't remember if I've said anything about that issue in this journal, as I know I haven't wrote in it for a while.  If not I'll give details at a further time.  This whole year has been hell because of her. 

Basically I got over myself and she didn't and tried to make me feel bad and hold me back.  She treated me like absolute crap.  Everything I did was wrong and as soon as I got better her attitude changed from I hate myself, to I'm so good and you're pathetic.  But I've made it.  And I got my end of year TER (Tertiary Entry Record) which was quite low, but I'm still proud of it!  I got 68.65 by the way.  It's been so up and down. 

After my close friendship with bitch-face who I mentioned before ended, it made way for a whole bunch of new and exciting relationships with people.  I've met heaps of people, and now that I've left school, I feel better than ever.  (Except for that part where I'm pretty much an adult and have to grow up...)  I wish I was still treated like a kid.  Someone could come up to me and be like "Taylor, you don't look so good, are you okay?  Want a big warm hug?", and I'll be like, "I need a band-aid, I tripped over". 

Anyways.  That'll be all for now.  I aim to keep writing in this journal and keep it updated, even know nobody reads it.  I want someone one day to see the transformation I've made from who I used to be. 

I feel like these last few years at school has been my learning point.  It's been what I've needed to learn about myself and who I am.  I'm not fully there yet, but I am a fair way on and I am happy to say, in a really good place!

With love to you all and myself,
Taylor!

xoxo

Well right now it's the day before i go back to school and start term 2...  i'm eating milky ice creams.  i had 4 last night and today im on my second and i just finnished it so ill go get another one.. i hope i pick vanilla =D.

My formal is coming up soon and I really need to find a dress.  I wish I could take someone I was madly in love with and could show off to the world, but I don't have one of those in my life right now so I'm just taking a friend who will be heaps of fun anyway. 

It's good to be loved..

It's over with Rosie, I could you say ended our friendship and I don't think we'll ever really able to be good friends again...  Well I don't know if I can..

I've resorted lately to cutting again... oh well on the top of my arm/wrist but need to stop as I don't want to be emo for the fucking formal now do I.  Nobody knows and I want to keep it that way.  i Guess I'm pretty good at hiding it.  I've gone two and half years...  Wow I've been cutting for that long - well off and on, sometimes more seriously than others.

But other than that all is well.  You know what they say:

"Fake it to make it!"

I wrote this poem a couple of days ago at 3.30am in the morning after watching 3 movies in a row on the couch like a lazy asshole.  Anyway when I went to bed a couple of lines just sparked and then I kept writing as these things happen,

viz:


==Bathroom Mirror==


No-one knows what I think when I look at myself in the bathroom mirror,
And I don't know what you think when you look at yourself in the bathroom mirror.

Do you see past your reflection,
Do you see what's inside,
Is it all smiles and glamour,
Or does darkness hide.

Do you break down the structure?
Or build up a disguise?
Do you see past your hair colour,
Past your green-blue eyes?

I see every minute,
As every other second dies,
Prolounge the torture,
With all of my lies.

We've all got atleast one flaw,
We can't get past ourselves,
We are our biggest battle,
Unless we're Jesus himself.

The world's made up of countries,
And human's made from cells,
But I myself am different,
As my bathroom mirror tells




Yeah anyway, I'm going to go get another ice-cream as I have chewed this popstick to pieces and they are splintering my mouth..!!



Bye for now,
Love taylor
xo


(p.s. I'm meant to be doing homework as I have many assignments due during the week which I haven't started yet....)

fuck


me






:)

K this pop stick has smashed in so many pieces.

I hate to say it but I cut again.  And I haven't for soo long.  Like 4-5months since like september last year.  

I even locked away all my impliments where I can't be bothered getting them out again..

I slipped up when I had a massive thousand scratches on my leg from bike riding with my friends so in the shower over a period of two days I cut it eights times and it was perfectly synchronized with all the scratches just a little deeper.  I pushed mys haver into my ankle until I could feel the individual razor blades prick my skin certain that when I slit it across it would cut it open which it did - quite well.  And all cuts formed into a stream and dripped on the floor the way it does in the shower, and down the drain.  Even my best friend (who is the only one who knows about my cutting apart from you electronic folk) couldn't tell they were self inflicted which has got to be good because she always knows - somehow.   

I can't stop thinking about the time at the end of last year I wanted my best friend to come with my to my dad's place with me that weekend and it was a Friday and she was acting so strange.  She threw the whole contents of her pencil case in the bin and she found it really funny.  I kept asking her why she wouldn't come and in maths class she said she had other plans.  Plans to go that night at 12 to the freeway bridge and hang herself off it.  And I mean I don't cry alot but I burst into tears in the middle of class -  it was so embarrassing and so she promised not too.  

And there was that time she was drunk and she sat there with her stanley knife and cut up and down her legs and stabbed her thighs with such a big grin on her face it haunts me so bad, but she regreted it in the morning...  Real consoling

By the way everyone I recommend you download my song of the moment it is good!!  And whilst you're at it, download Suspension - by Mae!!!!

I hate everyone at school I hate them all (not really) and I miss my dead cat and my nose piercing is infected for the 3rd fucking time..

I just hate me because I suck and no-one likes me and the only people who do are 8 year olds...

So I leave you with this poem I wrote at the begginning of Year 11...

--------------------------------------------------

I think I'm freaking out more about going into 'Year 12' than an ordinary onlooker would think, but yeah...

By the way I got my Learners (L) Licence on the day before new years so yay and i've been doing/done a fair bit of driving these school holi's.  

Year 12 on fucking wednesday...

Gosh it won't be that bad.  I'm just scared that problems I'm having are going to come into light that I might not be able to push away into the future.  Maybe it will be okay till the end of the year.  I can fall apart the day after school finnishes for me just have to keep up with it.  It's going to go so quick - isn't it...


IL BE OKKAAAYYY =D

I came up with that sleeping at friernds place.  I was soooo thirsty and it was sooo cold and I never actually bothered to get some water or better - orange juice (ahaahhhh the holy OJ!!!).  So I came up with that.  I'm going to try to write a song around it or something weird but hopefulllly cool like that.  

Where's my music - bring up the i-Tunes.   Ill randomly pick a song on shuffle and listen to it for 5 seconds then change it because I'm sick of it.  Not bad The Red - by Chevelle.  Might actually listen to it.  Panic Prone is also very good by them.  

I had thought of myself becoming a writer.  How weird because I hate books and I hate reading yet I love one book and I can't tell anyone what it is but I want to own it because I love just reading it sometimes.  (By the way it's not porn) Yet the thought of reading a book a second time makes me want to kill myself as people say it's better because you absorb so much more than what you did the first time.  Anyway as I was saying yeah I'd write a kind of autobiography because I'm, always thinking up weird little things and lines about my life and life in perspectioan that could be used in a book or maybe in songs as I am waaay better at that than anything.  But I won't admit that anything I write is good because I'm me and I've "failed as a real person". 

Anyway I'll shutup about that.  The Red is about over now so I'm going to play Panic Prone.  
Some people hate this thought process way of writing a journal/diary, but I like it so shut-up.  
I had to buy a new battery for my watch because it went haywire.  I've been wearing it for about the last 5 years of my life and couldn't imagine my life without it...  I have to change the strap occasionally and I did yesterday.  I just wanted the plain black one but mum made me buy the mega colourful one...  I mean it's a watch for fuck sake.  She forced me to go shopping with her yesterday and its either go and be dragged through shops or stay home and do any possible chore she can think of off the top of her head even know it's like 7pm (shops shut at midnight last night).  So, I went with her.  Goddamn parent blackmail.  It's so wrong when we do it yet it's their like major tool.  

I guess in the end it was okay because I got some new long needed socks and underwear as my old one are all getting a bit faded and jaded.  

Omfg...  I just decided I'd pick a mood and I will state for the first time that there are so many to choose from and I don't know what half of them mean.  I want to put cold because I truly am cold yet if I put that people would think I'm in a depressed kind of mood or something.  

Shit I have to do the dishes or mum will freak when she gets home which will be any second from now.  


It's like a weird thing that people's personal lives now become public and that makes me feel bad for this 'Lj".  

I don't want to join any of those self harmer groups or anything because then I'd feel extra bad about it even know I haven't done it for a while.  No-one else is really going to see my profile otherwise because I'm not letting any other people see it at all!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway it's just gotten long and boring and you're probably flicking through for an entry to read and you'll be like not that one because it's way too long so I'l read another one where this on is just as juicy and good but bad at the same time.  

ANNNNwYYyawwwwwyawaaaaaaaaaaaaaeaydsyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Yours Sincerely
Taylor

Mum's making me go to bed.
(Fuck off)

I'm good anyway as a quick update.  



I'll post tommorrow

night

I don't feel like it today.  

I got to bed at 2am last night, which I guess isn't that late, except for the fact that I had to get up at 6am for school.  Man was I fucked by the time lunch came and my coffee stopped working.  Massive giant headache came on and I got an even bigger lecture by the school nurse about how if I was her little girl, with all the headches I get she'd be so worried about my liver.   

Califonucation is funny though.  

Oh did I meantion I'm trying to stop biting my nails by flicking myself with a rubber band everytime I bite.  I haven't really rampaged since last tuesday and I finally have some kind of nail resembelence like stumps.  

I'm still having one of those days where I feel like I can just go up to the top of a really high building and cut my wrist and let it bleed over the edge.  But like my nails, I am trying to stop the cutting too.  

Grr just to think I have the razor, the scalpol blade, the stanley knife, the pocket knife and the scissors.  it would just be so easy.  I don't think I'll give up so easy though.  


I'm so afraid she's going to kill herself.  Not me - ...


If she ever goes, I won't be able to live anymore..



I love life.  Yes I do.  
(I want to rip my fingernails off)

If anyone hasn't ever heard this song - they should definitely go and download it.  Mad World - by Gary Jules.  

I am very proud of my newest school report.  Allllll B's.  Everyone tell me how good I am!!!!!!!!!  Yaay!

And mum took my phone away :/ fucking bitch.

Anyway signing off - going to bed.

Nighty nite,
Taylor

I feel like hurting myself and I'm not sure why.  I don't know.  I guess in my head I'm always coming up with more theories.  Maybe I'm just numb.  Maybe I'm pathetic and worthless as clearly stated slash/ made known before/earlier/previousely.  maybe I'm just ugly and in the back of everyone's mind they're thinking what an ugly blob of waste I am.

Maybe I'm just sad.  Maybe I'm just really sad...

It helps when I help other people though.  Makes me stop thinking about myself - fucking jerk.  (me)

What about you?  Tell me about you.  Where do you come from?  Do you get A's in school?  Do you even go to school?

Do you cut yourself?

I haven't for a while.  Every night I could so easily... but then I get to the next night it's just the same.  I understand and know that it doesn't make me/it?! any better.  But I insist its important.  I feel like I'm somewhat balancing on a string.  

People say that you should do something creative.  Go play some sport.  I don't know - go for a run, go to the gym what the fuck ever.  But it's just not the same as CUTTING...................  Maybe I'm just a lazy shit..

Does your mum harrass you and piss you off as much as mine does.  I hate her and I hate being near her.  And if I touch her I feel sick and I just want to be alone.

And for all the psychologists out there, notice how I said mum??  

My belt buckle is sharp and its poking into my belly as I hunch over the computer screen..  

Did anyone hear about the idea of banning LCD and Plasma TV's because they take up too much power??

Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool......
...
..
..
.
.
.
.
.


Soooooo.  My cat is weird, you buy it all this aweome stuff to eat and all it fucking eats is biscuits.  Mum's shouting at her at this instance..  

"Days and weeks go by 
And see scenes change
The scenerey gets old
It stays the same
There's nothing in this town
But you and I
So baby pack your bags
Cuz we leave tonight...
...You don't deserve to be unnoticed
You don't deseerve to be treated like that."

A snippet if you'll say from the song I'm listening to.  I downloaded it on limewire and its quality is a bit shitty but it's a good song and if you get the chance you should download it too.  Count Yourself In - by Ten Second Epic.  

What do you know.  My iTunes is on shuffle and out of my 4.2 days worth of music that could've been playing, Worthless - by A Thorn For Every Heart Comes on...

Am I selfish.  

I try and find flaws within myself and change them, even if other people see them as positives.  

Which is really a selfish thing, but hey its a blog i guess I mean what else can I talk about?..  The LCD and Plasma TV's?  I can't talk about you because it's a blatant fact, with the technology of today, that I can't see inside your head.  I'll never see what you're thinking and what's going through your noodle just as you can't see in mine so don't you think for one second that you have me all figured out.  

I'll be alright but the kids aren't alright (The Offspring).



Signing out,
Taylor

(P.s. I hate myself)